


Of Battlefields and Bruises

by Captainrogerthat



Series: In Our Bedroom After the War [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Asexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Blood and Injury, Boyfriends, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Cancer, Coming Out, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Getting to Know Each Other, Healing, Hospitals, Illness, M/M, Married Couple, Meet-Cute, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Sam Wilson is a Saint, Service Animals, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Strangers to Lovers, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, War Veteran Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23784583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainrogerthat/pseuds/Captainrogerthat
Summary: Sergeant James “Bucky” Barnes meets a cute blond  in the VA’s ER. They begin to explore mutual attraction.  When you come home the war might be over, but you still have bruises and battles to fight. A story of recovery, coming out and new beginning.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: In Our Bedroom After the War [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713517
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

June 6th 2012

James finds himself in a lot of discomfort as he sits in the stiff hospital waiting room chair. He grimaces at the slightest movement. His right knee is rather bruised and swollen after a nasty fall at all. He notices a handsome, tall blond sitting in the congested hallway. His eyes catch the sight of bloodied tissues, a cloth mask and a bandaged IV port peaking out of the man’s shirt.

  
”Rough day?”, Bucky asked gruffly as they sit across from another. He wishes he could be anywhere but here. What Barnes wouldn’t give for a cigarette and his left arm. 

  
“More like rough week.”, the blond quipped. 

  
“What are you in for?”, Bucky gestures to the bloodied tissue. 

”Ah. Nose bled. It won’t stop bleeding.”

”Sorry to hear that.” 

”How about you?”, the blond softens. 

”I fucked up my knee.”, Bucky shrugged. He doesn’t want sympathy. His empty left shirt sleeve often draws attention

“I’m Steve, by the way.”

”James. But my friends call me Bucky.”

"Do you come here often?", Steve's eyes twinkle mischievously. 

"You fucking punk. I try not to frequent the emergency room anymore than I have to." , Buck chuckles.

"I can't say I blame you.", Steve offers a sympathetic, soft small. 

"Say, about your nose. Did you get in a fight or somthin'?"

"The latter."

"I bet you like to pick fights." 

" 'friad, not as much I used to." 

"You look like you could still put up a hell of a fight."

  
"I bet--"

Steve pauses when he spots a similar face, "Sam?"

Their conservation is cut short when a handsome, black man arrives hot on the heels of a nurse. Bucky looks between them and Steve, noticing the black man raising his voice at the nurse. He chides the nurse, before getting an orderly to secure a wheelchair for Steve. 

"You should've called me.", Sam sounds frustrated. 

"I'm not your responsibility."

"You wound me, Cap." 

Steve doesn't look real great, little energy to stubborn his way out of being put in the wheelchair. He is quickly taken from the emergency room bay. Bucky hears them continue their conversation back and forth. He catches Sam scold Steve for not calling ahead and expediting his wait in the germy ER. Bucky's heart sinks a bit, an oncologist? Chemo therapy? Low platelets. Bucky watches as Steve is rolled towards the elevator, his heart aches and his head spins. Will he ever see this smart mouth blond again? 


	2. Chapter 2

June 12th, 2012

Bucky didn't stop thinking about that evening in the ER that he met Steve. He kept an eye out for the blonde. A week passed by before he ran into Steve again, who had a little more color in his cheeks and less hair than last time. The man sported a neat low fade hair cut, and Bucky could see where patches of hair were beginning to fall out. It didn't seem to upset Steve too much as his face broke out in a smile seeing Bucky again. 

Steve was wearing a pair of joggers, a West Point zip up hoodie and soft black slippers. At his side was a gorgeous golden retriever wearing a service dog vest. He sat in a wheelchair, still weakened from the second cycle of chemo he took last week. His hair was beginning to think and fall out, even his short hair cut couldn't keep up. He kept a light blanket across his lap, and wheelchair gloves. Bucky hadn't noticed Steve's hearing aids last week either.

"It's you!", Bucky laughed. 

"Hey!", Steve called out rolling towards Bucky in his wheelchair.

  
"Are you going to introduce us?"

"This is Scout."

"She is gorgeous."

  
"You can pet her if you like. That's one of her jobs." 

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Bucky bends down to pet Scout's soft fur. She licks Bucky's face, tail thumping happily as he pets her. She returns to Steve's side once the nervous anxiety under Bucky's skin is released. His body is less tense and he seems more at ease. 

"How's your knee?", Steve asked.

"It's a little sore, but healing nicely."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"How are you feeling, punk?"

"Nauseated. Fatigued. Tired. But my counts are beginning to rise again. I will feel better soon."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Talking to you is nice. You don't treat me like I'm fragile. ", Steve smiles softly. 

"Here. You can put your number in my phone.", Bucky offers, pulling his phone from his pocket with one hand is awkward. But Steve doesn't seem to mind. 

"Sure.", Steve accepts and types his cell phone number into Bucky's Stark Phone. 

Steve's stomach growls lowly, and he apologizes. 

"Wanna get a bit to eat in the cafeteria?", Bucky offers.

"I'd love that." 

They walk to the cafeteria together. Steve gets a bowl of mac n cheese and a Sprite He takes eating slow, almost afraid it would make a reappearance. He never gets gaggy, but the nervousness is there. Scout presses her head on his knee, and he strokes her fur. Bucky finds eating with one hand challenging sometimes. He carried his tray of a turkey sandwich, chips, and fruit awkwardly balanced on right arm. They make a real pair, Bucky thinks. 

The two talk until Steve glances at the clock, he has an appointment this afternoon with Dr. Banner. Either one of them really want to say goodbye when Steve has to go. Bucky gives him a hug, and watches as Steve disappears with Scout as the elevator door closes. Bucky's appointments are done for the afternoon. He had therapy session with Dr. Lang twice a week, physical therapy three days a week, and a pre-operation consult with Stark Industries. 

He sighs, trying to not feel like a love sick teenager as Bucky gets to his feet. Bucky waits for his sister to pick him up outside the VA. He still hasn't gotten over the fact his baby sister has graduated college and driving. He missed six years of her life, and it makes him feel guilty. He has found it difficult be around his parents, and younger sister. They feel like strangers to him.

"Hi Becks."

"Get in."

"Thanks.", Bucky grunted getting buckled. 

"How did today go?"

"Fine.", Bucky rests his head against the cold glass of the car. He can feel a headache beginning to build at the base of his neck. It will become a migraine if he doesn't treat it. 

"Just fine?"

"I don't feel like talking about."

"Are you going to have the surgery?", Rebecca asks. 

  
"I dunno. Still thinking about it."

"What is there to think about?"

  
Bucky sighs, rubbing his hand against his temples, "It's not an easy procedure. I need to think about it."

He is quiet the rest of the drive home. Closing his eyes, Bucky thinks about Steve who didn't treat him like he was different. His family, god he loves them, but it feels they expect him to be someone else. He does not know how to be the confident, carefree flirt he once was. He left home a 19 year old kid fresh from boot camp and returned a battered, bruised, 25 year old who feels like he's lived a hundred lifetimes.


	3. Chapter 3

July 10th, 2012

Steve and Bucky fall into a pattern of meeting for a meal on Tuesdays and Thursdays when they both have therapy sessions.

Sometimes, they don't talk at all, just sit across from each other in silence and be glad for the company. Other days, they chatter nonstop and take Scout for a walk. Bucky learns Steve enlisted to help shoulder the cost of college.

As a West Point cadet, Steve received a fine college education as an English major and a linguistics minor. Steve thought the military was an honorable way to make a difference. He also could ensure he had three square meals, a roof over his head, an education, and healthcare. 

Bucky wishes his reasons were as noble as wanting to make a difference. He enlisted after the Twin Towers fell, angry and scared, he threw himself into being an excellent solider.

It turns out he was a talented sniper, and he used his ability to keep his men safe. He knows how arrogant and hate filled his younger self fresh from boot camp was. Being in a war zone taught him that there is little difference between you and the person you think is your enemy. 

It turns out you are both scared, human being with preconceived ideas and misinformation. His heart aches for the people who live in war torn countries fraught with violence, terror, and bloodshed. 

It turns out they have a lot in common. They grew up in similar neighborhoods in Brooklyn. Both of their families were religious, though Steve's Mother was Catholic and the Barnes' family Jewish. Their families both immigrated to New York in the early 20th century. 

They like to watch baseball, and drink a cold beer on the stoop of Steve's Brooklyn brownstone. Three tours of duty have shaped them for better or worse. Yet they are different. Steve ran daily, while Bucky used to box. Steve is an artist, doodling on any available surface. Bucky loves to read, especially science fiction.

Bucky loves to cook, Steve can't even boil water. Steve is a morning person, and Bucky a night owl. 

On one Tuesday afternoon, Bucky waits for Steve to arrive but he never does. His text goes unanswered, and his call straight to voice email. It is difficult for him to remain calm, his breathing becomes erratic. With each passing second, his breaths become few and few in between.

He is on the verge of a panic attack when a familiar voice calls out to him. It takes Bucky a moment to place the voice, "Sam?"

"Hey, why don't we sit? You look like you need a moment."

"Where is he?", Bucky pants as they move to sit together. Beads of sweat gather at his forehead as his damp hair clings to his forehead.

His hair is becoming long and untamed, a very different look than the army regulated hair cut he once wore. 

"He's upstairs on the Oncology ward, not feeling too great."

"What's wrong, Sam?" 

"Steve will be okay. He's just awful sick after this latest sound of treatment. Every third treatment, he gets a double dose of chemo and radiation. He's been puking his guts out and sleeping it off."

"Can I see him?"

"You can ask him yourself once you catch your breath.", Sam presses a bottle of water into Bucky's hand. 

Bucky shakily takes a sip of water. He counts his breaths, trying to get them under control. Sam asks him to describe five objects and they stay in the waiting room util Bucky is calm again. A question lingers on Bucky's tongue, but he does not voice. 

He reminds himself that Sam was Air Force pararescue airman. Sam is cool. Air Force pararescue airmans are cool, they are the ones who recused guys like Bucky from combat wounds.

Some day, Bucky might mention to Sam how cool he thinks Sam is. For now, Bucky and Sam only particularly get along. Sam still gives him the shovel talk from time to time.

"I heard you've been approved for Stark's Veteran Program."

"Steve tell you?", Bucky isn't surprised, Steve probably tells Sam everything.

"Yeah."

"I was skeptical at first. I mean it's major surgery."

"Is it something you want for yourself?"  
  


"It would be a chance to be independent, Sam."

"Nothing wrong if you don't want a prosthetic."  
  


"I want to do it for me. I want to do it for Steve."

"You really care about him don't you?"

"I think I'm falling in love with him."

"Just be careful."

"I wouldn't hurt him, Sam."

"May not intentional. Take it slow, you're both still processing trauma."

Bucky nods as they arrive outside Steve's room. He hasn't been to the oncology ward at the VA before now. He knocks to see if Steve wants company, Bucky doesn't want to assume. A quiet voice, that sounds too weak and small to be Steve's answers. 

"Come in."

Bucky tries not to stare. Steve in a pale, lump curled knees to chest. By no means is he is a small man, but Steve has made himself as small as possible under a mountain of blankets. Scout lies at the end of his bed as she whines lowly. Steve's hair has fallen out, even his eyebrows. His head is covered by a warmly knit beanie. Steve wears a navy port access t-shirt, warm fuzzy socks and sleep pants. His IV pole as four different bags of liquid pumping through Steve's body: fluids, blood, chemo, and pain meds. The heart monitor beeps nosily in the background. He currently sports a NG tube in his left nostril. The sight of Steve is overwhelming, and he wants to hold him. 

"Hi Steve."

"Bucky, I'm sorry I missed lunch."

  
"I don't want you to feel guilty."

"I never miss."

"We're here together aren't me?"

"Yeah you're right."

"What can I do to help you?" 

"Turn the lights off, take your shoes off, and get into bed. I don't feel good. Lay with me. "

Bucky moves to comply with Steve's request. He toes his shoes off, thankful he wore socks today. He shuts the blinds and darkens the room. Steve is like a cuddly octopus immediately wrapping himself into Bucky's warmth. Bucky takes a moment to study Steve's face. He looks tired, young, but determined, he can almost imagine what Captain Rogers must've looked like leading his platoon through hazardous territory. Steve smells like sweat, hospital anesthetic, but Bucky can still detect the subtle hits of his earthy scent. 

Sam brings Bucky and Steve a spot of lunch. With Bucky's encouragement, Steve manages a bit of lime jello and a few slips of water. He doesn't have much of an appetite, still getting nutritional supplement through his NG tube. After lunch Steve is starting to get tired, and so Bucky steps out into the hall with Sam. They're both quiet, before Sam speaks up. 

"Thank you."

"For what?", Bucky asked

"Caring for him. "

"I love him, Sam."

"I think he loves you."

"You mean it?"

"I do."

Sam walkes Bucky to meet his ride home. This time Winnie is picking him up from the VA. Winnie sees that dopey smile still lingering on his face the entire ride home. Bucky feels warmth blooming in his chest: hope. He hasn't felt like this in a long time. He texts Stark, he wants to have the procedure. He wants to be able to care for himself. He thinks Steve might be his best friend and soulmate. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2

August 9th, 2012

Bucky decides to have surgery. It isn't an easy decision. He sat down with his family and spoke with them. Barnes knew recovery would be a difficult process. Having brain surgery awake is a nerve wracking procedure to consider. It would take months of physical therapy and many doctor's appointments. Steve agreed to sit in the waiting room, and help him come home to his parents' house. They chose a window when Steve is not receiving chemo or radiation as a data for his surgery

The operation does not take place at the VA, rather at Stark Industries' state of the art hospital wing. The morning of his surgery, Bucky wakes up earlier and takes a shower. He meets his mother downstairs, Winnie will take him Manhattan and they will met Steve there. His father is at work, and his sister stays behind to make sure the house is ready for Bucky's return. He didn't want the whole family waiting on him in the waiting room. The idea made Bucky nervous, he just wanted his Mom and Steve.

Dressed in a zip up hoodie, slip on shoes and a pair of joggers, Bucky holds the overnight bag in his hand. He mets his Mom downstairs, his stomach rolls at the idea of walking back into another medical procedure. He doesn't remember much of the accident. One minuet he was laughing with his friends in the Humvee, the next he was lying in the hot desert stand and his entire body ached. The Medical Evac, surgery, transportation to an Army hospital Germany and waking in the hospital is all a blur to him. Hospitals still make him a little queasy and nervous.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?", Winnie asks, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"A little nervous, to be honest."

"How can I help?"

"Just keep talking to me."

"I can do that."

They make their way to the family car, and Bucky settles into the passenger seat. He sends a text to Steve, and tries to steady his breath. On the drive to Manhattan, Bucky and Winnie mostly talk about what his wishes are after surgery. He explains his friend Steve is planning to met them at Stark Industries, and Steve will sit in the waiting room with her. As previously agreed upon, Steve will stay at in the recovery suit with him for a few days then see him home. In 2-3 days, he will be released to go home, and Winnie will met them at the hospital to take Bucky home.

Bucky doesn't know what to call Steve, they've not really talked about it. It feels like more than friends, they kiss, cuddle, hug, and sometimes, Bucky stays at Steve's apartment. They've never really called their weekly outings dates. But Bucky knows he's falling hard for Steve, more than he's ever felt for anyone else. He's known he was bisexual since he was fifteen years old, but never sat down to talk with his family. Sure, he's had a few boyfriends, mostly kept quiet about, living under Don't Ask, Don't Tell during his deployments.

They arrive at Stark Industries early for his pre-op appointment. Steve is already waiting for them in the waiting room. He smiles reassuringly, not quite sure of his role. He waits for Bucky's lead, and Bucky eyes his Mom deciding to hold Steve's hand. Steve fills out the paperwork, knowing some of the information himself. Other information Bucky tells him to fill in. He rests his head on Steve's shoulder. Once the paperwork is complete, Winnie turns it into the front desk giving them a moment alone.

Steve kisses Bucky, murmuring quiet affirmations to him. Having faced medical procedures of his own, Steve knows how anxious you can be. He takes Bucky's mind off the procedure, talking to him about what he might like to eat when he wakes up. Winnie returns to sit with them, but Bucky never lets go of Steve's hand. He doesn't let go. even when the nurse calls his name. He takes the initiative to hug Steve tightly.

Mindful his hospital related trauma, Bucky is allowed to take Steve and Winnie to the pre-op room. He uses the bathroom to change into a pair of scrub pants. He foregoes the shirt, the former solider is usually uncomfortable allowing anyone to see his scared chest and stump. But he figures Winnie and Steve are going to see his body more than he might prefer during this recovery process.

The nurse is not intrusive, giving him a moment with his support people before coming in to prepare him to go back. Steve turns the lights off, puts Bucky's music on and sits beside Winnie. They talk quietly as Bucky gently opens the door. He can see a smile on Winnie's face as she talks animatedly to Steve. She likes Steve, Bucky thinks to himself. Steve even makes her chuckle.

"Coming out. Promise you won't stare?", Bucky's voice is frail, unsure..

Before Winnie can say a word, Steve voices, "Cross my heart heart."

"You aren't dying on me, punk.", Bucky gruffs a him.

"Come here you, jerk. I miss your handsome mug.", Steve offers an incentive.

Bucky hands his messy wad of clothes to Winnie. Their eyes meet, she tries hard to look at his face. She squeezes his hand, a kiss pressed against his right shoulder. Winnie offers him a smile, and fierce motherly reassurance. She folds his clothes, while Steve's eyes rack across Bucky's body.

"Can I touch you, sweetheart?", Steve drops quietly.

"Yes, just don't touch my stump."

Steve gently fingers brush against the worst of the extensive scaring on Bucky's chest, back and shoulder. He kisses a line of kisses across the sensitive, pink, angry skin. It's almost painful to look, seeing how the shrapnel torn away Bucky's body.

"You are a survivor, Bucky.", Steve reminds him.

"It's hard to look at. Don't lie."

"I can't help but love all of you."

"You love me?"

"Yeah, I love you sweetheart."

"I love you too, Steve."

Steve offers him a soft kiss on the cheek, as they settle on the hospital bed. Winnie sits beside the hospital bed in a comfortable chair. The nurse returns to place a bracelet on his hand, and takes his vitals. She takes a few notes, and talks Bucky step by step through the process.

He leans against Steve while the nurse places his IV, keep his eyes on Steve. Winnie is watching them, she is quietly impressed with her fierce son and attentive boyfriend. Steve and Bucky might not have used those words aloud to describe themselves. But it has become clear to both of their friends and loved ones that these two men deeply care for one another. Steve and WInnie walk Bucky to the end of the hallway where they say goodbye and the medical staff take him back surgery. When Steve quietly sniffles, bring a finger to wipe away the tears in his eyes, Winnie squeezes his hand.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of 2 
> 
> Trigger warning: Mild depiction of surgical procedure, and post-operation panic.

August 9th-11th, 2012 

Bucky is awake for the procedure. He is thankful for the stream of medicine pumping through his system to keep him calm. He is transferred from the hospital bed to the surgical table wher Barnes lays on the table. He is very glad to see the familiar faces of Tony, and Dr. Strange. A speech pathologist whose name he has soon forgotten asks Bucky to identity objects on cards. She records his answers, and allows the anesthesiologist to administer the anesthesia. 

Bucky is asleep for the first part of the surgery. The surgery is done in three parts. It will take between eighteen and twenty hours. The first part of the surgery requires the orthopedic surgeon on call to reconstruct the cartilage, muscles, tendons and bones of Bucky's shoulder joint, left side, and back with synthetic tissue. His missing bone structure is replaced with a light, but strong metal. His shoulder joint will anchor the arm in place. His new stump is capped with a rubber cap. Barnes' family receive regular updates every three hours. 

For the second part of the procedure, the surgical team shaves his head, and Dr. Strange places a numbing agent around his scalp. They place Bucky in a fixed position, and ensure he will remain held in place. The top of Bucky's skull is removed and Dr. Strange begins the neurosurgical aspect of the procedure. As Bucky begins to stir, panic breaks across his face. He is afraid to look at the left side of his body. 

Reassuring that he is still numb and pain free, Strange reassured him offering him a mirror. Bucky's breath begins to even out as he opens his eyes. He is both in awe and shocked by the sight of his new shoulder. It's almost too surreal, like something out of the science fiction novels he has read. Once he gives them the goal ahead, Dr. Strange continues Bucky's procedure. They begin with brain mapping his electrical responses as the speech pathologist asks him the same questions she did earlier. 

Confident that Bucky's neurological functions are intact, Stark removes the rubber cap on Barnes' stump. The metallic arm thrums to life almost noiselessness, and the strangest thing happens. Bucky has feeling in his left arm for the time in six months, it's sensitive at first. It feels a bit overwhelming to be able to move his fingers. Dr. Strange continues to run diagnostic tests making sure neurological pathways,nerve endings, and the limp are properly working. When the procedure is declared successful, Bucky is sedated so that Dr. Strange can reattach the skull and close the surgical incision. 

Dr. Strange arrives in the waiting room fatigued, but a smile on his face. He is wearing fresh hospital scrubs. He trusts that his patient is in the excellent hands of the recovery team. Bucky is the ICU being slowly weaned from the sedative as he begins to recovery from an extensive surgical undertaking. 

"Family of James Barnes?" 

Steve stands, holding Winnie's hand, fidgeting with nervous energy. He finds his body is rarely still, a very different response than before the war. His therapist once explained that this is good. His body is learning to do something productive with all that nervous energy he has. Winnie is calm. and as Steve glances at her face he can see so much of Bucky reflected back in her set jaw and determined grey eyes.

"That's us." Winnie responded, cooly. 

"You must be Steve and Winnie." 

"Dr. Strange." 

"James is out of surgery. He will stay in the ICU for at least 24 hours. He is currently on a ventilator and breathing comfortable. For now we've placed an nerve block and administered quite a bit of pain medication. It was a successful procedure, now we let him heal and wake up." 

"Can we see him?"

"Absolutely." 

"He may wake up likely in the next six to eight hours.”

*********************************

About six and half hours after his surgery, Bucky wakes up for the first time. He is angry as a rattlesnake, fighting the ventilator and tubes. He feels trapped, and can’t remember where he is. He is crying, desperately pulling at his tubes. 

For a moment, he is not in Manhattan. Bucky’s mind flashes back to the memories of walking up in an Army hospital in Baghdad, his arm gone, his shoulder a bloody mess of bandages. The doctors working frantically to stabilize him.   
  


Steve called for a nurse. The medical team has to hold him down. His metal arm is cuffed to the hospital bed. They are able to remove the ventilation tube and replace the IV only after a strong sedative kicks in. 

Bucky won’t remember waking up the first time in a panic. The second time he wakes up in much more relaxed. He slowly opens his eyes, finding himself numb and cold.

A glance around the room finds Steve fast asleep on the couch in his room and his mother with a crossword puzzle in her hand. 

“Hi, my beautiful boy..” Winnie greets pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Bucky is grateful. The ventilator is gone. he finds his throat sore and scratchy. His mom offers him a sip of water, and he drinks like a dying man in the dessert heat.   
  


Bucky with Winnie’s help reclines the hospital bed in an elevated position. He lays against his mountain of pillows and turns his eyes to his mom.

”How is Steve?”, Bucky asks, his throat aches from disuse.

”Steve was pretty dead on his feet. I made him eat and sleep..”

”How about you?”

”I feel like I should ask you that.”

”I want to know. This isn’t easy on you both either.”

”I’m okay. Better know that I can see your eyes open.”

  
“I love you, Ma.”

Winnie holds his right hand, “I love you, James.”

Bucky smiles softly, he feels a smile break out on his face. He can move his fingers on his left hand. An arm strong enough to care for Steve.  
  


“Thank you for this.”

”I’m glad you asked me along. I adore Steve. It was nice to get to know him.”

”He’s everything to me, Ma.”

Winnie and Bucky talked for a while. She left the room to get a popsicle for Barnes. Bucky notices Steve stirring from his nap.   
  


“Hi, sleepy head.”, Bucky teased.

“Hi, sweetheart.”

Steve stretches, moving into an upright position. His medical port peaks out his t-shirt. He is without a cap or beaming at the moment, sporting a bald head. Despite the cancer growing under his skin, his cheeks are full of color. Using a cane, Steve steadies himself and hobbles to Buck’s bedside.   
  
  
They sit together side by side, Steve studying the bandages of his partner’s side, back, arm and head. He presses a kiss against Bucky’s lips softly. 

“How can I help you?”

”I just want you close.”

”I can do that.”

At his insistence, Steve climbed into bed and held Bucky. Steve is asleep again by the time Winnie returns with a popsicle. She discreetly takes a photo of them.


	6. Chapter 6

August 12th-August 15th, 2012

Once Bucky is breathing on his own and mobile, he is moved into a two bedroom apartment where he receives state of the art medical care. Bucky and Steve spent about three days in the recovery suit. Winnie, George, and Becca facetime regularly, giving them to just be together. Sam brought Scout over, and for a moment, it feels surreal. Steve and Bucky under one roof together, sure, sometimes Bucky comes over to Steve's. But most of the time, they only see each other at the VA. 

Steve has no problem, helping Bucky shower or dress himself. A nurse helps with the tasks Steve can't. Steve dotes on Bucky as much as possible. They watch movies together. Bucky reads scientific fiction novels. For a moment, it seems domestic, almost like a dream, a glance of what the future could be. It's not an easy recovery, Bucky is still quite a bit sore and needs pain medication. But he feels like he is making progress each day he takes more steps down the hallway from the bedroom to the kitchen. 

Tony came up one afternoon to check up on them both. There is a secret Tony kept from them, he was hesitant to share before. He tells them the story of his Humvee exploding in Afghanistan. A young solider had been laughing with him as they took a picture a moment before. He fought to stay alive after months of being held captive by the Ten Rings. Putting that smart brain of his to work, Stark became Iron man. He swore to himself never again to build weapons of mass destruction, but find ways to invest in clean energy, and bio-medical advancements helped the very people his former empire hurt. 

Steve slips into his Captain Rogers mode, thanking him profusely for helping Bucky. He also expresses an absolution of guilt, "Look, Stark, we all did things we feel guilt about. I've laid on the wire, and taken another's life to keep my men safe. I'm not proud of it. But the fact you realize what you did caused harm and are working to right your wrongs, that's the best any of us can ask for." 

"How can you say that? You're an Apple Pie, All American Hero, Rogers." 

"Look, taking from a man still fighting another kind of war, you are doing what you can to be a better man and that is everything.", Steve is solemn. He pulls his shirt back to show Stark the medical port. 

Tony nods, accepting his words. He seems to relax, now that Steve and Bucky know the truth. They didn't judge him. They don't hate him. They didn't send him away. Instead, they invite Tony to dinner. They ordered some Iraqi cuisine from a local restaurant. They laugh, and celebrate that Bucky is strong enough to go home tomorrow after three days of recovery in the surgical suit.

In the morning, Winnie meets them upstairs. When she knocks on the door of the apartment. Steve answers, he looks good after nearly a week off of chemo. His strength and appetite were improving. Wearing a t-shirt, pair of jeans, and a mask, told Winnie that he was feeling good. He leaned at his cane lightly, and held Scout's leash in his hand. Sam had dropped her off yesterday, she was very happy to be reunited with her human. 

"Hi, Steve." 

"Winnie. come in." 

"How is James?"

"About as expected. Sore, grumpy as hell and mouthy, ma'm." 

"Sounds like he might've been a handful."

"Nothing, I can't handle, ma'm." 

For a moment. Winnie can imagine the kind of solider Steve was. A calm, level headed, commanding, Captain prepared to led his men through whatever situation. Steve invited her to sit.

She smiles squeezing Steve's shoulder, "Thank you for looking after my boy, Captain."

"I did not mind, ma'm." 

  
"I'll give you both a moment." 

  
"Thank you, Please sit." 

Steve maneuvers with his cane, as he heads towards the bedroom. Their bags are backed and lay on the floor. He finds the bed stripped and placed in the bathtub. He and Buck had cleaned the apartment as much as possible. 

"Your mom is here."

"I'm ready.", Bucky called back stepping out of the bathroom with the nurse. He had shaved this morning, looking more like himself. She had changed his bandage and logged how his surgical wounds were looking. 

"How can I be helpful?"

"Carry the bags?"

"Sure.", Steve takes a moment to peck Bucky's lip.

Bucky sits in the wheelchair allowing the nurse to push him into the living room. Steve leans against the cane, carrying the bag easily, as Scout stays at his side. Winnie insists on taking one of the bags, and Steve knew better than to argue with her. 

Together, they made their way to the elevator. Winnie had parked the family car out front. Between the nurse and Winnie, BUcky transfers to the front seat. With a pillow underneath his left elbow, he buckles with his right hand. 

Steve climbs into the back seat. Scout lays her head on his knee, and stays close. With the bags loaded in the back, Winnie climbs into the driver's seat and drive back to the Barnes home. 

Bucky sleeps. while Winnie and Steve make conversation. They have a lovely conversation, and get to know each other better. Winnie's heart swells, she likes Steve and can see he is good for Bucky. Having only been home for a few months, it has been difficult for her son. She cannot imagine how Steve feels. Steve confides that he has been home about eight and half months now. He was diagnosed with cancer about two months ago. Being home was hard, he jumped at everything. Steve didn't sleep. He didn't eat. His nightmares and insomnia were out of control. 

Shortly after being diagnosed, Steve began consistently taking medication, and going to see his therapist, Dr. Banner. He stayed with Sam. Scout came into his life. He got up and put one foot in front of the other. His cancer treatments leave him tired, drained, and exhausted. Most days, he struggles to get out bed and the nightmares can be overwhelming. But he has his friends in his corner. Bucky came into his life. For now, Steve is taking it day by day with Scout by his side. 

Steve learns that the Barnes’ family has been a military family for several generations. George served for 15+ years and retired in 2000. As a military family, part of the reintegration process is old hat. But Bucky’s unpredictable nature, trauma and injury haven’t been easy to navigate.Winnie feels like she wants to do more for him, but isn’t sure how. Bucky does not want to be babied or pitied. She can’t say she blames him either, he has been through a lot in the year since he came home. 

They arrive at the Barnes family home. Steve calls Bucky's name, not wanting to spook him. He is a bit jumpy, but too drowsy and sore to react hostilely. George Barnes meets them on the driveway and helps his son into the house. Steve and Winnie manage the two weekend bags. Bucky seems glad to see his father and sister. Gentle hugs are given and the family settles into the living room. Introductions are made, and Bucky introduces Steve as his friend to his family. Though, Winnie and everyone else can clearly see these two idiots love each other. Steve grips his cane, and watches Bucky hobble down the hall.

Steve is shown to the guest room, where he and Bucky will stay tonight. He plans to take advantage of the next 9 days before Steve has to return to the hospital for the next round of treatment. He isn't sure whether to feel embarrassed or relived to find a king sized bed in the guest room. Bucky gingerly sits on the bed, and puts his feet up. He looks tired, even though he just woke up from a nap.

"You should rest."

"I'm not tired.", Bucky yawns. 

  
"I'll cuddle if you want."

"What if my family sees?", Bucky chews his lip.

  
"Your Mom saw us kissing more than one."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just new.", Bucky fidgets with the edge of his t-shirt.

"I could just sit with you if you'd prefer."

"Yeah, please."

Bucky feels the bed dip under Steve's weight, part of him wants to laugh seeing them both using pillows to adjust themselves comfortable. He is glad they are alike. Steve's bum leg, and fucked up brain make him feel less self-conscious. Steve puts Netflix on, and Bucky does eventually migrate closer to him. By the time Bucky goes fall asleep, his head rests against Steve's chest. Scout lies at the foot of the bed. 

Bucky sleeps most of the day, only waking for meals and meds. Steve is fine with sitting with him, working on a new sketch or reading a book. He doesn't sleep though, being in a new environment makes him edgy. Bucky wakes up in time for dinner with the family. He and Steve slowly make their way to the dinner table. Scout stayed at their side, following off leash. Feeling a bit fatigued, Steve uses his wheelchair instead. He often starts his day full of energy, and has less through the evening. He pulls the chair out of Bucky and makes sure he is comfy. Scout lies at his feet. 

Steve presses a kiss against Buck’s temple and goes to the kitchen to ask how he can help. While Winnie would not usually expect a guest to help. She can see by Steve’s set jaw, he won’t take no for an answer. Winnie asks him to sit the table, and he happily accepts. He sits the plates, and napkin wrapped silver wear in his lap. It is easy to navigate the wide space of the dinning room and Steve prepares the table. It’s actually very good hand eye coordination and therapy to sit the table.

Winnie calls the family to eat, and brings a lasagna to the table. Becca has salad and bread, while George begins to pour the lemonade. A Hebrew prayer is led by George before the family tucks in.Steve still has a bit of oral aversion from medical trauma. He is a little nervous about eating in front of other people. He puts a small dab of salad and lasagna on his plate. Bucky on the other hand is ravished. He scarfs dinner down quickly, a left over from military service. His plate is quickly empty and he helps himself to seconds.

The family is pretty quiet. There are glances exchanged between the Barnes and Steve. Steve sweats nervously, chewing slowly. He doesn't clear his plate, and refuses desert. He quietly excuses himself, disappearing into the guest room. Scout is beside him, sticking close to him. He finds a cloth, and wets it until its cool to the touch. Steve lies down in the bathroom on the rug, and is still with the cool cloth over his head. He can hear the hushed voices of the Barnes' family talking around the dinner table. 

Steve curls into himself, and counts his breathes until they are even. He can feel Scour’s head on his chest. There is a soft knock at the bathroom door, Bucky's voice calling for him barely above a whisper. He forgot that his hearing aid was out and sitting on the nightstand. Bucky must figure out that much and opens the door gently. He doesn't assume that Steve wants company, keeping his distance as he stands at the door. 

Steve had begun to teach Bucky a little bit of sign language for when he doesn't have his hearing aids in. And in this moment, Bucky is glad he did. Though, he couldn't get the hang of it with just one hand. He knows his new robotic left arm will open up new possibilities. He can at least finger spell his question using his right hand , "R U OK?" 

Steve signs back, "Hurts."

"S-t-o-m-a-c-h?", Bucky spells. 

Steve signs back, "Yes." 

Bucky turns the lights off, and makes sure everything is quiet for Steve. He mouths softly, "How can I help, punk?"

"Go.", Steve signs.   
  
  
  


"N-o-t w-i-t-h-o-u-t y-o-u.", Bucky's lips quirk into a smirk. 

"Fine.", Steve signs. 

Steve gives his stomach about fifteen minuets to settle. He never vomits, but does gag a few times. He ends up back in bed with a trash can beside him. Scout settles at his feet, watching her human closely. The former solider closes his eyes, and tries to rest. At his insistence, Bucky returns to the kitchen where the Barnes family is collectively gathered. Becca and Winnie are doing the dishes as George puts them away. They have questions, and Bucky can see that in their eyes. 

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky dance around their feelings under the careful eye of the Barnes' family.

August 30th 2012

  
Bucky learned a lot about their relationship in the two weeks Steve spent helping to care for him. He worried they were too co-dependent. Bucky was afraid they had too many challenges that complicates their relationship. It was difficult to explain to his family.

He feels lighter with Steve at his side. They don't always have the emotional energy for each other. Some days, they can't lean on each other for support. But they do sit in the same room, shared life experience and mutual concern goes a long way. 

There were tears,nightmares, panic attacks and episodes. Steve still struggled to eat in front of the Barnes' family. Bucky had a pretty awful panic attack during a physical therapy session. They both found Scout's presence grounding and helpful.

Even when one of the them had a pretty nasty nightmare that shook up the entire Barnes household, the family helped the couple feel safe again. 

Barnes and Rogers were joint at the hip while time they were at home. On the last morning, Steve spent at the Barnes' home before he would have to go home and resume cancer treatment, he woke up early with Bucky to eat breakfast.

The boys were sitting at the kitchen table with Scout in their lap when George and Winnie found them. They looked like a proper couple, arms touching, and body language relaxed.   
  
  
Between them was toast, cereal, ice cream sundaes, apple sauce, eggs, and Steve’s feeding pump. They talked quietly, both looking tired, but okay. 

“Good morning, boys.”, George offered, announcing their presence. He placed his hand in Winnie’s back reassuring seeing the boys startle.

”Morning.”, Bucky offered, hand lingering on Steve’s.

”Rough night?”

”Yeah. Nightmares. Both of us.”

“Sorry.”

”Occupational hazard.”, Bucky shrugs. Steve is quiet, resting his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder. He had gotten Steve to eat a little bit.   
  


Bucky invited his parents to sit. They had plenty of food to share. It was Steve’s idea. A breakfast buffet to combat nightmares.   
  


Neither Buck or Steve were real chatty, especially Steve was practically attached to Bucky. He clearly wasn’t feeling great, combination of daily oral chemo meds and poor sleep hygiene.   
  


Neither made any move to cease their closeness either. Bucky could feel Steve’s erratic heart rate through his paper thin skin. 

  
“This is okay. We are okay.”, Bucky whispered against Steve’s ear.

”No war.”

”No war.”, Bucky agreed.   
  


They figured this out together just as they did anything else. After breakfast, the couple went back to the guest room. A shower, clean clothes and hugs were in order.

Steve’s suitcase was packed. And Bucky knew their precious time was nearing an end. He had eight weeks of recover ahead of him, and Steve was undergoing an intensive round of chemo followed by outpatient radiation.

He hadn’t told Bucky how his latest scans were. For several months, things were well managed on his current treatment regimen. If his cancer remains treatment resistant, then a bone marrow transplant may need to happen.   
  


Part of Steve was nervous about returning to weekly treatments. It would be about two months before he gets another break. But he didn’t want to worry Bucky, especially while he was dealing with his own recovery process.

Sam was on his way to pick Steve up. Savoring these moments together, they sat in the window seat and held each other.

Steve commits every shape and outline of Bucky to memory. He traces him with his finger and thumb. Closing his eyes, he takes in Bucky’s detergent, soap, and scent.   
  


”I love you.”, Steve smiles softly, hugging Bucky.

“I love you too.”

”Even when I have nothing, I have you, Buck.”

”Pal, I’m with you till the end of the line.”

“Even if you don’t know where the line will end?”, Steve whispered. 

“Of course, punk.”

”You’re a jerk, you know that right?”

”I mean it, Steve.”

“Even if this kills me?”

”All I know to do is take this one day at a time.”

”I don’t know what I deserved to find you.”

”We saved each other, Steve.”

”I think you might be right.”

They stayed cuddled together until Steve’s phone dinged. 

“Sam is here.”

”I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

”I’ll hold you to that.”, Steve kisses Bucky as they detangle their limbs.   
  


Steve leans against his cane, and pulls his suitcase down the hallway. Sam is making conversation with Winnie. Scout and Bucky pad behind Steve.

Steve is surprised when Winnie kisses his cheek and murms to him in Yiddish affectionately. He hugs her back. Steve and Bucky share a chaste kiss.   
  


George carries Steve’s bag to Sam’s car, and gives him a fond smile, “You are always welcome here, Steven.   
  


“Thank you, Sir.”

  
Sam helps Steve settle into the car, Scout sits in the floorboard of the passenger seat. The wheelchair is tucked into the back too. 

“Your boyfriend’s family seems to like you.”, Sam teases as Steve waves goodbye to the Barnes’ family.

“Hey, he’s not my boyfriend.” Steve doesn’t take his eyes of them til he can no longer see them.   
  


“You keep telling yourself that.”


	8. Interlude

October 10th, 2012

  
While Bucky recovered from surgery, learned to use his prosthetic and attended physical therapy, Steve received course altering news.   
  


The cancer took up residence in Steve’s hip, eye socket and pelvis. His bone marrow were more cancer then bone. His medical team decided to begin a bone marrow transplant before Steve could finish six months of his two year treatment plan.

He was lucky to find quite a few potential bone marrow donates. His best match was, a young man in his twenties from Wakanda. Steve kept fighting for a chance at remission.

At first, he had mild side affects, tolerating the intensive chemo. But by week 2, his counts were nonexistent and Steve’s side affects were full blow miserable. He had a skin rash, mouth sores, nose bleeds, nausea, and fevers.

The medical team placed an NG tube. Steve needed a constant morphine drip, and regularly blood transfusions. He felt fatigued, needed oxygen support and rarely left his bed.

On day 16, Steve received the donated stem cells through a large catheter in his chest. He stayed in medical isolation waking for his cells to grow and take root in his cancer battered body. Steve wasn’t feeling up for visitors as he waited for engraftment.

Steve lost weight, weighing a sickly 145 pounds. His treatment weight had been about 160 pounds, and at his heaviest in Afghanistan at 180.   
  


For four weeks, he talked to Sam, Bucky, and his former platoon on the phone. His skin starting to peel and heal. He needed blood transfusions about once a week, and began having an appetite.   
  


It was a slow process. By week 6, Steve was on the mend, fatigued and still medical fragile. But his counts were rising, and he returned to staying in the inpatient cancer ward rooms. 

Bucky had barely seen Steve in the last six weeks. A lot of texting, and FaceTime, but few lunch dates and stolen glances here or there. Little did Bucky know just how sick Steve was.

Sam fielded questions for as long as he could. A nurse kept visitors away, but one day they couldn’t keep him away any longer.

Buck crept past the nurses station. He was almost home free, but got caught. He saw the warning signs on Steve’s door, and frowned. 

  
The nurse made him wash, glove and gown up. And reluctant let him pass when he saw Steve shyly okay it. Bucky was fuming, but softened when he saw Steve’s gaunt face.

Steve’s left eye was still swollen shut from the cancer growing under his skin. He looked hauntingly poorly and skinnier than usual. The PT was just finishing up with him. She quietly said goodbye and gave them space. 

Steve’s clothes hung off his frame. Today he wore a rainbow chemo cozy, beanie, joggers and socks with rubber grips on the bottom. He still had a massive IV pole trailing behind him.   
  


Scout was sitting in the corner, asleep. Steve sat on the edge of the hospital bed, using his walker for support as he transferred to the bed.   
  


”Steve?”

“Hi Bucky.”

”What’s going on?”

”Sit. I’ll tell you everything.”, Steve encouraged, taking Bucky’s metal hand in his.

“You’re scaring me.”, Bucky whispers.

“My cancer resisted treatment. Growing into my bones till nothing was left but cancer. To try and save my life, I took a Hail Mary.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I know it would distract you from your healing.”

“I could’ve been here.”

“I needed you strong.”

“Tell me everything. Don’t leave anything out.”, Bucky’s eyes fill with tears.

“Come here. Lay with me.”

They laid together, Bucky still in his gown and gloves. Their bodies were like two open parentheses facing each other.

“Marry me, punk.”

“It still might not work, you jerk.”, Steve breathed softly.

“You are here now. I don’t want to waste another moment.”

“You’re something else you know?”,

Steve kissed Bucky’s forehead. Despite his unspoken answer, Bucky knew that look in Steve’s eye. A yes, unyielding, challenging, a promise. 

“What I am I to you?”, Bucky asked.

“Everything.”

Steve told Bucky everything that happened the last six weeks. It was difficult to hear, but Steve spared no detail. 

They fell asleep like that, curled into each other as close as they could be despite the protective layers between them. Not a single nurse kicked them out or torn them apart, no one could bare seeing them separated.


	9. Chapter 9

October 28th, 2012

Bucky promised to be at Steve's side no matter what. He went to appointments with Steve, and held his hand. From that moment of finding in a hospital bed, they were inseparable.

Steve's latest labs showed little improved from before the bone marrow transplant. The doctors gave them options: more intense treatment or hospice.They gave him six to eight weeks to live without treatment.

Tired, treatment weary, Steve knew he would not survive six more weeks with treatment and chose to go home. Bucky supported his decision, though he struggle with the idea of a life without Steve. It was a no brainier, he moved in with Steve and would spent the rest of his days with him.

On a Friday, one week after the worst day of their life, they got married at the county courthouse. While marriage equality was not widespread across the United States, New York passed the marriage equality act in July 2011. The couple was able to marry, and file paperwork to make Bucky, Steve’s medical proxy.  
  


It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and they laughed. They hired a photographer to capture the day. The couple despite their circumstance felt giddy.It occurred to Bucky given Steve’s condition having pictures is a treasure. They are sure to have some taken in their street clothes for a family portrait.  
  


Steve looked handsome in his navy suit, even as skinny and fragile was he was in his wheelchair. Bucky wore a grey suit, his hair up in a bun. Scout at their side, staying close to their boys. 

It was not an extravagant affair. Just the couple, the justice of the peace, and two witness. Sam and Natasha were at their side. 

  
Buck teared up at the promise to be there for Steve in sickness and health. It was like a dream putting that ring on Steve's bony ring finger.

They exchanged their vows, promising all the days of their shared lived together. The couple was now collective known as Rogers-Barnes. 

  
Part of Bucky wished for the extravagant celebration, however, he honored Steve’s desire for a quiet day. Steve wasn’t ready to tell everyone he was as sick as he is. 

Bucky wasn’t entirely sure how to tell his family either. After the wedding, they went home and ordered take out. Steve giggled as Bucky carried him over the threshold of their bedroom.

  
There was no honeymoon after as they took turns undressing each other. Steve kisses Bucky sweetly, and they sat in bed with their dinner. 

  
The couple wore their pjs and sat in bed together. Bucky coaxed Steve to eat some soup. Scout slept at the feet of their bed.

They held each other and cried in their bedroom at their shared Brooklyn Brownstone apartment. The emotional reality of it all finally catching up.

”I don’t want to lose you.”, Bucky sobbed holding Steve against his chest.   
  
  


”We all die, Bucky. It’s just a matter of when.”

“I wish we had more time.”, Bucky hiccuped.

”All we can do is make the best of it.”, Steve kisses his forehead. 

“I should be comforting you.”

”I’ve made my peace with death. Living is hard, dying is easy.”  
  


Steve wasn't giving up, he kept fighting with all his might: health diet, juicing, daily oral chemo, and sunshine.

He would work through physical therapy exercises trying to get his pre-bone marrow transplant strength back.

Now, the nightmares that danced in Bucky's head were of losing Steve. He spent many nights lying away, praying, pleading, bargaining, anything to switch their places. How could they both fight so hard to live? Find each other, building each other back up.

Their married life was full of doctor’s appointments. Steve regularly saw his hospice team, managing his pain and appetite.

  
He needed regularly blood transfusion. His blood was more cancer than blood. Without blood product, he would not be able to survive.   
  


A nurse came to the house twice a week. Steve still saw his physic therapist. He took walks with Bucky, and tried to soak up the sun. 

They took naps together, and watched movies. Bucky built forts in their living room and made s’mores. When Steve felt okay, they made the best of things. 

  
Bucky went to therapy, saw his physical therapist and tried to maintain some normalcy. He caught himself bargaining in his prayers one morning while he watched Steve sleep. 

His mind went there. This is how it ends, cancer snuffling out Steve's last breath? Bucky asked the universe, "He is the most selfless man I know. Give him more time."

His heart hammered in his chest, his breath quickening on the verge of panic. The tears welled up in his eyes, Bucky did not want Steve to die. 


	10. Chapter 10

November 22nd, 2012

  
There were appointments with the cancer wellness clinic, regular transfusions and IVs with supplements. Steve's hospice nurse visited their home once or twice a week.   
  


At first, Steve was so sick, weakened from laying in a hospital bed. They slept a lot, and slept their days watching movies in bed. Bucky read to him, gave him his medicine, and held his hand.

But something began to happen, Steve's new donor cells began to grow, little by little. Instead of deteriorating, Steve's appetite and strength began to return. His goal was to walk from their bedroom to the living room.

It might've taken every bit of three weeks but Steve was able to use the walker and made the distance.By week four, he stopped needing weekly transfusions, and started to have more color in his cheeks.

  
Steve was not dead yet, and sit a new goal. He wanted to walk from their living room to the end of the sidewalk. 

Bucky was there for building pillow forts in their living room, a weekend trip to the Catskills, daily dance parties, and afternoon walks in the neighborhood. Everyday, Steve found ways to live their married life to the fullest.

They worked around the clock to make Steve well again. It kept them busy trying to keep the cancer was taking every bit of Steve away from the. There were still therapy appointments, medicine to take, and trauma to work through.

Bucky thanked Stark daily for the ability to pick Steve up, bathe him, and care for him.

Steve’s left eye was open again, and the swelling nearly gone. He was healthier than Bucky ever remembered seeing him him in a long time.   
  


He gained five pounds, began walking a half a mile in the morning, and hair was coming back. His weekly labs looked to be improving despite all odds, his donor cells were begin to grow and thrive. 

Bucky began to plan Thanksgiving with their family. He coordinated the celebration in their home, and cooking with his mother here. The couple hasn’t announced their marriage nor disclosed Steve’s health to their family. 

  
The Rogers-Barnes family gathered with George, Becca, Winnie, Sam, and Scout for Thanksgiving at their home Steve wasn't supposed to live to see Thanksgiving.

Yet he was alive, and thriving. He only needed his wheelchair for long distances and when feeling fatigued.

On the morning, the couple was hosting the Barnes-Rogers Thanksgiving, they woke earlier. Bucky couldn’t sleep, and Steve was restless. They sprung into action, making their bed, and cleaning the house.  
  


By 7:00 am, Steve had taken his morning meds, and Bucky cleaned up the breakfast dishes. They went on their morning wall, showered, and got dressed.   
  


Steve settled in his comfy recliner while he allowed his morning IV and feed pump to run. He was almost asleep, as Bucky paced the kitchen nervously.   
  


By 8:00 am, Bucky’s mother arrived and knocked at the door. She was arriving her to help Bucky with the cooking while the rest of their guests would arrive later.  
  


Buck was quietly grateful that Steve could sleep for a while longer. The dark haired man greeted his mother at the door. They hadn’t seen each other as often given Steve’s health.

”Hi, Ma.”, Bucky hugged her close, kissing her check.

”I missed you my beautiful boy.”

“Come in.”

Bucky guided her to the kitchen where they began to work. The turkey was already in the oven, and they would cook the sides.   
  


Photos from the weddings were framed around the house, but Bucky’s favorite picture hung in the fridge. Steve was smiling big, as Bucky held him in his arms newly married and proud. He didn’t want to hide it from his family, the ring visible on his finger.   
  


“Oh, James.”, Winnie’s eyes were with tears.

”We were planning to tell the rest of the family today.”

  
“I’m so proud of you and Steve.”

”Steve’s very sick, Ma. We wanted to enjoy whatever time we have together.”

”I imagine that had been a very difficult secret to bare.”

Bucky sniffles, “They gave him six weeks to live. He’s defying all odds, and expectations but I don’t want to get my hope up.”

”Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

”I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”

”What can I do to help?”

”Don’t tell Dad or Becks. Steve and I are gonna mention it at dinner.”

”How is Steve?”

”Steve is quiet, stubborn, and tired. He still doesn’t feel 100%, but he’s come so far.”

“And you?”

”I’m afraid of losing the person who saved me, Ma. He kept me from falling apart. What if I lose him?”

”I don’t know, baby.”, Winnie curls Bucky’s stray hair behind his hair.   
  


“He’s everything.”

”I can see how happy he makes you.”

Winnie gives him a pep talk as they continue to work on making lunch. Bucky stops to check on Steve’s IV pole and feed pump, turning them off when they’re done.

The rest of the crew arrives before the Macy’s day parade starts. Steve is awake, and content watching with Sam. Natasha and Rebekah are taking happily, while George nurses a beer. Bucky and Winnie are cooking up a storm.   
  


Steve is comfortable in his recliner with a blanket across his lap. He minds the bandage on his left arm where labs were taken earlier in the week. But he smiles , watching the Macy’s parade with Scout in his lab.   
  


By 12:30, the turkey and meal is ready for lunch. Winnie calls the family into the dining room. Bucky helps Steve to the table, Scout at their side.   
  
  


Their family gathers around the table. Bucky sits beside Steve, taking his hand in his. George led the family prayer, and Winnie craved the turkey.   
  


Steve ate more than he had in a long time. He laughed. He played board games with their friends and family. They didn't tell anyone about Steve's cells, not wanting to jinx anything.

For a moment, Bucky wishes it could always be this blissful. Steve laughed when he broke the bigger laugh of the wishbone.   
  


They are until everyone was too full for any more. The family gathered in the living room for games and a movie.   
  


The couple waited for a pause in the conversation. Bucky cleared his throat, “We have an announcement to make.”

Bucky can feel five pairs of eyes on them. Everyone is attentive, as Steve speaks up, “We got married in October.”

”Why didn’t you tell us?”, George asked.

”We were told Steve had six weeks to live.”

There were collective murmurs of shock and apology. The couple shared pictures of their bittersweet wedding. 

”While Steve was not supposed to live to see today, we remain cautiously optimistic about his improvements.”  
  


”I’m so sorry, my sons.”, George’s voice breaks.  
  


Winnie squeezes Steve’s hand, offering comfort to them both. Becca excuses herself from the table. Sam’s eyes are sad as he tries to process what he is hearing, while Natasha goes after Becca.

The tenor of the day has shifted as the family tries to process their feeling. It becomes a bit much for Steve who takes refuge in his room. He didn’t want to be treated differently.  
  


Bucky found Natasha and Becca on the porch where they talked for a bit. Sam made an appearance and knocked on Steve’s door.   
  


George and Winnie began to clean up the dishes, making sure left overs were stored. They were taking care of their boys even now.   
  


Steve eventually came back downstairs to find his family in the living room. They still all looked like they had been to a funeral.   
  


“I’m not dead yet.”, Steve joked quietly, taking a spot next to Bucky.

”You just found each other.”, Becca said.   
  


“I promised to stand at Steve’s side until death separates us. I think we both take those words seriously.”

  
“It’s not fair.”

”I know. It’s a lot a to take in. No matter how long I left, I just want to be with the people I love.”, Steve nestled against Bucky’s shoulder.

“How can we help you?”, Sam asked.

”Let yourselves feel whatever your feeling. It’s okay to be sad or angry.”, Steve offered.   
  
  


“How are you doing Steve?”, Natasha asked.   
  


“I am glad to be home with Bucky and Scout instead of in a hospital. My prognosis is still very much unknown.”

”And you, Bucky?”

  
“To be honestly, I’m struggling. This is all very difficult for me.”  
  


The family guided by Sam works through a few emotion processing exercises. By around 3:30 Steve was getting tired, and it was time for goodbyes. Hugs were given all around. Sam and Natasha left first giving the Barnes a moment with their sons.   
  


“Your Mom and I are so proud of you both. It is an honor to call Steve our son in law. ”, George expressed. 

Bucky hugged him back. He was very grateful for his parents, and relieved to have their support. Even Steve was teary eyed as Winnie told them to call them if they needed anything, no questions asked.

  
The couple watched as Becca, Winnie, and George left. Finally alone, Bucky collapsed on the couch. He look at at Steve, “Thank you for today.”

”I’m glad we could have our family over for dinner.”

”Me too.”

They cuddled on the couch, Scout between them. Thanksgiving was hard, but Bucky is thankfully they celebrated an holiday first together. Steve and Bucky didn’t talk, they just clung to each other.   
  


Steve could feel how anxious and tense Bucky was. He pressed a kiss against his husband’s lips.

”Does it get easier?”

”Watching someone you love die? No.”

”How did you find yourself again?”

”I didn’t. Not for a long time after Mom died. Deployments kept my mind off of.”

”Steve, I-I don’t want to lose you.”

”I want to not hurt anymore, you know?”

”I-I didn’t mean to imply....”, Bucky’s voice trailed off.   
  


“I know. Come here.”, Steve offered to hold him close.   
  


“I want to make you healthy.”

”We didn’t give up.”

”I don’t like waiting.”

“I didn’t want to tell you. But I got a phone call from Dr. E. He wants to see us on the 30th.”

”Did he say what about?”

”He wants to discuss my labs.”

”Oh.”

”It’ll be okay. Whatever it is. “

  
They hold each other, and Steve thinks about his wish. He wants to rest. Steve does not hurt anymore. He wishes they had more time. His wishes his body wasn’t sick and frail. 


	11. Chapter 11

November 30th, 2012

On the morning of Steve’s appointment, Bucky wakes up earlier than usual. He can’t sleep. It’s been seven weeks since the doctors send Steve home on hospice.   
  


He isn’t sure what to expect about this doctor’s appointment. Bucky knows Steve had his latest labs taken last week. They would have the results interpreted by Steve’s oncologist. Dr. Cho was introducing a colleague for a second opinion.   
  


It makes him nervous, though Bucky supposes nothing can be worse than the news they already received. He gets up to prepare Steve’s medications. No breakfast as Steve can’t eat before today’s appointment.

Steve wakes up in an empty bed, a quiver of disappointment on his lips. He gently stretches his joints before getting up. He leans on his cane for support, finding Bucky in the kitchen.

”Sweetheart?”, Steve calls.   
  
  


“Hi handsome.”, Bucky wipes away the tear in his eye.   
  


“You okay?”

”Nervous.

”Whatever today brings, we’ll face it together.”

Steve closes the distance between them, and presses a kiss against Bucky’s forehead. His eyes are gentle and understanding.   
  


“Sit. I’ll give you your meds.”

”Just a moment. Let me hug you.”

”You always know exactly what I need.”

”We all need hugs.”

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky giving him a firm squeeze. They stay like that for a moment, and Bucky listens to the steady thump of Steve’s heart.   
  


“I love you.”

”I love you too.”

Steve pulls away, and sits. He takes the handful of pills dry, and lets Bucky flush his port. When Bucky has changed the bandage on his port, they walk together to the bathroom.   
  


Bucky smiles when Steve coaxed him to shower together. It’s nice to be taken care of. They wash each other. Steve pressing gentle loving kisses across Bucky’s naked skin, and Bucky returns the favor.   
  


Once they’re kill, Bucky wraps them both in big fluffy towels. He glances at Steve’s naked body. Bucky knows where the cancer has been growing and festering in Steve’s bones.   
  


Steve dresses in a pair of joggers and a navy chemo cozy shirt. He puts a knit beanie on, and calls for Scout. He secures her vest, collar, and leash.  
  


When Steve returns to the bedroom in his wheelchair, Bucky is dressed. Bucky takes a deep breath as they walk to the the nearest subway station.

Steve is calm, stubborn and quiet. It’s hard for Bucky to know what is on his mind. They don’t talk, sitting side by side on the subway.

Bucky holds his husband’s hand, and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. His heart thumps loudly, and his stomach feels like it’s in his throat.   
  


They go through the motions of their morning commute. At their stop, Steve confidently navigates from the subway car to the platform. Scout leads the way, stopping when Steve swipes his metro card. The exit opens and they make their way above ground. 

It’s a short walk from the station to the VA. Bucky tries to keep his mind focused on their walk. He lets the silence sit with them. 

Steve doesn’t speak until they’re in the waiting room of the oncology clinic floor. Bucky fills out paperwork as they wait for the nurse to call them back. 

  
  
“I’m not afraid of dying, and that scares me.”, Steve whispered. 

  
“Where you afraid to tell me?”

”A little.”

”You can tell me anything. No judgment, okay?”

”I’ll keep that in mind.” Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand. Bucky returns the clipboard to the nurse.   
  


Before long, they call Steve’s hand. It’s a standard appointment. They take Steve’s weight, vitals, and blood pressure. She smiles when announcing he has gained another pound.  
  


A nurse takes his blood, and puts a bandage on where she pokes him. Steve is lightheaded afterwards. 

The nurse guides him to lay on the table. She puts wash cloth over his eyes, turns lights off, and places a vomit basin beside him.  
  


“ The doctor will be in shortly.”

“Thank you.”

Scout whines and settles at Steve’s feet. Bucky pulls up a chair and rubs Steve’s back. He doesn’t throw up, but poor guy gags.

“You okay?”

“Nerves and empty stomach, I think.“

“Rest. I got watch.”

“Thanks.”

Steve gets a little shut eye while they wait. It’s about twenty minutes before they hear a knock at the door. Dr. Cho asks if she can come in.

“Sure.”, Steve calls back. He gingerly moves to sit upright. His jaw is set, stubborn and determined. He looks very bit the solider he is. 

“You must be James, Steve’s husband.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Cho.” “And you too.”

The doctor takes a seat, “Today, I would like to introduce a colleague. His name is Dr. Erskine. I consulted him on Captain Roger’s case.”

”Of course.”

Dr. Cho steps into the hall for a moment, and calls Dr. Erskine in. She introduces him to the couple.

She pulls up Steve’s labs and scans from last week. 

“What we are seeing today, and what we saw six weeks ago are totally different results. We believe it is a delayed reaction to the bone marrow transplant.”

“What does that mean?”

”You are recovering, Steve. We didn’t expect to see a partial remission. Your bones and were more cancer than anything seven weeks ago.”

“Wow.”

”I would like to start you on a new medication. It’s a serum that boosts your. body’s natural immune fighters to target cancer cells.”

“What would the treatment protocol look like?”

“Daily oral chemotherapy, and a weekly serum injections, Dr. Erskine explains 

“I can do that.” They sign the necessary paperwork, and walk through the side affects.

”I want to give you the first injection here. I can teach you both to give them.”, Dr. Erskine explains as he moves the medical tray towards them.

He asks Steve to drop his pants, and cleans the skin around Steve’s left thigh. Bucky can sense Steve’s discomfort as the needles pierces his leg.

  
“That’s it, Captain.”, Dr. Erskine bandages the injection site. 

“Ugh. Once a week?”

”Once a week.”

”I guess it beats chemo and radiation.”

”It will get easier, Captain.”

”I’ll take your word then.”

”We want you to keep walking, eating, and building your strength.”, Dr. Cho smiled. 

“I can do.”

“You can pick up your prescription at the pharmacy on your way out.”

  
“Thank you again, doctors.”, Steve said softly.  
  


”It’s our pleasure. Captain, and Mr. Barnes, I hope we’ll see you soon.”

”Yes, Doctor.”

  
  


Steve dresses himself, a smile on his lips. He looks up at Bucky with watery eyes, “A fighting chance, Buck.”

”That’s right, Baby. We’ll keep fighting.”

”I’m not out of the woods yet.”

”I know, I know. But we’ve bought some time, Steve.”

”That’s true, I guess.”

”Come on. Let’s get your medicine and get home.”

”I could use a nap and cuddle when we get home.”

  
”I can manage that.”

Steve and Bucky walk to the pharmacy to collect the weekly injection supplies. They take a cab home, knowing that Steve is pretty wiped out.   
  


Steve sleeps on the drive home, and Bucky fidgets nervous. He is relieved when they arrive home.   
  


They both take a shower and change clothes. Steve crawls into bed in a pair of boxers. Bucky is so many relived, he cries and hold Steve close. 

”A partial remission.”, Steve laughs with tears in his eyes.   
  


“A miracle.”

  
“It’s no cure or guarantee.”

”No. But it’s something.”

”We know how to fight an invisible force, Buck.”

”You’re so right.”

”I could do this all day.”, Steve is determined, stubborn, every bit the fighter he has always been. 


	12. Chapter 12

December 13th, 2012

Bucky watched his husband make strides towards health. His hair was coming back in as tuffs of peach fuzz appeared. Even as Steve’s strength and appetite returned, he was very much recovering.

Steve continued to walk regularly, and built up his strength.The fight for his life was very real and ongoing. He began working with a physical therapist, aiding his body to a return to health and wellness.  
  


Once a week, Steve gave himself a shot. They hoped it would continue to boost his donor cells to grow and his immune system to fight. Steve woke up early, flushing his port, taking his oral medicine. Still experiencing some nausea and vomiting from his adjusted oral chemo medication, Steve moved slowly.

He laid on the fluffy bathroom mat, riding out nausea. While Steve don’t throw up, he did gag. It wasn’t a pleasant sensation. Morning oral chemotherapy still left him feeling icky.

Gently moving from the bathroom to kitchen, Steve started his morning IV of fluids and vitamin C. For breakfast, he had a smoothie and banana toast. He was content to play a game on his phone and pet Scout. Steve let Bucky sleep in while he laid in his recliner, blanket over his lap. A trash can still strategically placed if he was ill. 

  
Around 8:00 am, a sleepy Bucky pouted and made an appearance in the living room. He immediately zeroed in on Steve, wanting to be held and warm. 

”You should be in bed.”

”Not without you.”

“Come here.”, Steve offers, moving to make room.

”Hmm. Cold without you.”

”I’ll warm you up.”

Bucky is mindful of Steve’s port and IV line as he settles his head on the right side of his husband’s chest.

Bucky sighs, “Do you think the Dr. E’s serum is helping?”

“It’s hard to explain. I just feel better, lighter.” , Steve yawned.

"You're still sleepy, silly. Why did you get up?"

"Feeling restless, I guess."

They curled around each other like two open parentheses, Scout laid between them. It wasn't hard to fall asleep again in Steve's big recliner. They slept for a few hours, and woke in time for lunch.

Bucky offered to make lunch, while Steve took Scout out for a walk. He used his cane for support, and walked Scout around the block where she did her business. He picked up after her, and walked back to the house. 

"Honey, I'm home.", Steve teased. He hung up Scout's leash, and washed his hands.

Steve stole a kiss from Bucky who sat the plates of grilled cheese sandwiches and bowls of tomato soup on the table. 

"I'm glad you're back."

"Me too."

"Sit."

”Sure.”

Steve and Bucky sat down to eat. They held hands, enjoying lunch together. It was a simple things they celebrated. Time is a precious gift, and nothing is a guarantee.   
  


Bucky tried to keep his thoughts and fears to himself. He worried about putting faith in the serum. The doctors gave Steve weeks to live.  
  


Sure, his donor cells were beginning to grow and thrive. Steve’s immune system was fighting back. But would the serum be enough? Could Steve survive and heal? Would it be enough?   
  


“What’s on your mind?”, Steve asks, noticing Bucky’s furrowed eye brows.   
  


  
“It’s nothing.”

”It’s not nothing.”

”What if the serum can’t save you?”  
  


“I am dying, Bucky. Either I will die now, or I’ll die later. This is a fighting chance.”

”I’m still afraid.”

”I know, babe. All we can do is try.”

”Okay.”, Bucky sniffled.

”That’s right. We’re still fighting.”

”Until the end of the line.”

”Always.”

Steve reaches his hand across the table to take Bucky’s metal hand in his. He presses a kiss against his knuckles lovingly, Scout asleep at his feet. They weren’t giving up yet.


End file.
